Bankrupt Without Love

I don’t want to be that “Christian.” You know the one with all the answers? The one that’s annoying to be around because everything they say is punctuated by an “I’ll say a prayer” or “God’s in control,” or better yet, “Just have faith and trust.” I realize I am sometimes that girl and that frustrates me because sometimes I need to just live “love” instead of sounding like the creaking rusty gate.

1 Corinthians 13 (The Message (MSG)

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end. 8-10Love never dies.”Please God, don’t let me be bankrupt without love.

 

 

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Amma, Momma, Mummy, Mom, Mother, Mommy

1 Mom-6 kids

My earliest memory is of her smelling like rose-milk.
Like red roses mixed with ice cream, so floral,  sweet and yummy. Every night I slept in the crook of her arm, stuck close to her side draped under her sari, breathing in her aroma till I was 5 years old. After we moved to the U.S., she smelled like other people’s kids. We had a home day-care and the babies always wanted to be held by her. When she started working at the nursing home, she’d come home smelling like bleach, dish-soap, old people and the Wrigley’s spearmint gum that one of the patients would put in her pocket every day. On Sundays she smelled like Yardley powder in the morning and cooking in the evening.

My Mummy has an aura about her. She doesn’t wear make-up, or jewelry or fancy clothes, but she’s always been the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. She’s got a grace and elegance that goes beyond the superficial. She doesn’t wear expensive perfumes or fancy moisturizers, but even at the age of 70 she is simply lovely.

She was 18 when she had her first child, then had 5 more children in 16 years. She raised us without any parenting advice books. Raised us in India without electricity, running water or refrigeration.  She didn’t have the luxury of a pediatric office at the other end of a telephone line…Actually, she didn’t have a telephone line. Simply put, we were poor, but strange enough, we never felt like we didn’t have enough.

My mom never got a formal college education, but she’s one of the wisest women I know. Her kindness to strangers and generosity towards people goes beyond anything that can be learned or taught.  When I think of who she is and what she’s done, I’m overwhelmed by her commitment to us kids. She showed us what sacrificial love is and she continues to pray endlessly for us. My mom was and still continues to be one of the most influential people in my life.

This Sunday, I’ll recognize the many women who have loved me well throughout the years. Those who have been moms to me along the way. Sadly I won’t get to be with the the woman who birthed and raised me,  but I’ll call and talk to her and recognize that I am the mother I am because of who my mother is.

How will you celebrate your mom this weekend?

 

 

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16 Things For My Daughter To Know On Her 16th Birthday

May 7, 2012

Dearest darling first child,

When I was sixteen my world was so different from yours. I look at you and am amazed by your strength of character, self confidence, determination, intelligence, humor, beauty and grace. You are a miracle child and I am so proud to be your momma every single day. You and I have talked about things, big and and small from the time you were in my womb, but for some reason, I just want to make sure that in the next 16 years (and more) you keep these little thoughts tucked away in the back of your brain. There will be times when you doubt everything and at that point all you really need to remember is #1 below.

  1. You are a Princess. Beloved daughter to the King of Kings and Creator of the Universe- Created in His image. You are perfect and beautiful, and there is a very specific plan and purpose for your life, and NO person (man, woman or child) can change or dispute this truth.
  2. Seek God every day.
  3. Your parents/family cannot dictate the path God has chosen for you.
  4. Respect all life, people, cultures and beliefs but don’t let that sway you from your core beliefs.
  5. You will fail. It’s okay, we all do, just never give up.
  6. Always do your best.
  7. People will have negative things to say, but you can always choose to be optimistic.
  8. Life is good, even in the hard times, so enjoy every moment of it.
  9. Bad things will happen, but your outlook and response to the bad will determine the outcome.
  10. Be a good friend.
  11. Make good friends because sometimes they will have to carry you through the hard times.
  12. Follow through with your promises. Your word means something.
  13. Remember that your actions speak volumes. People see you even when you don’t know they’re looking.
  14. Be authentic.
  15. Your family believes in you more than anyone and we will always be your biggest cheerleaders.
  16. Laugh out loud every day.

Oh and one more for the year ahead.

17.   Always eat dessert. :)

I love you my Precious, beautiful girl,

Momma

 

 

 

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Bliss

I love simple things. I mean, there are just a bunch of things that bring a smile to my face. Blissful things…

The awesomeness of piecing together all the edges and corners of a puzzle.
Cuddling under a blanket watching the rain fall outside your window.
Toast with Peanut butter and honey.
Watching babies giggle/laugh…nothing short of pure joy.
How about catching the eye of an elderly person and smiling?
Big breakfasts at home on lazy Saturday mornings.
Long runs when all feels right with your body and you’re thankful to be healthy enough to run and use every muscle given by God.
Smelling lilacs through the windows in April and May
Ice cold, refreshing water straight from the tap.
Kind people.
Happy children.
People with passion and fire inside of them.
Music for the mood of the day.
Books that make me laugh out loud.
Computers without viruses
Instant Messenger/Skype/face-time
Handwritten notes
So…What’s your bliss?

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What Do You Do When You Miss Your Mom?

My mom and dad live in India. They take care of little girls who come from extreme poverty. My parents come to the US once a year and we get to see them for a few days out of the year then, but honestly…I miss my mom.

I sometimes get really sad thinking about the fact that my parents have never known my children the way they know the little girls they care for. I know that sounds really petty and selfish, and I know they have a higher calling with their ministry, but sometimes I wish I had parents who could come over for a weekend or a day to spend time with me and my kids.  I mean,  you know how it is when you only see someone once a year… it’s just not the easiest way to build or maintain relationship.

I guess the thing that’s getting to me lately is that life is getting shorter and shorter and I’m a bit afraid that age will catch up to one of us and sooner than later memories will be lost and there won’t be place for new memories to be made.

So, help me out if you have some ideas on how to deal with this.

 

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Easy As Riding A Bike

When I was a kid I loved riding my bike. I had a yellow banana seat bicycle. It was freedom for me. When I started driving, I gave up my little bicycle for 4 wheels and really never looked back till a few years ago when the man in my life started telling me I should get back on a bike. So 2 summers ago I got my cool cyclist brother to find me a cool road bike. I rode my bike 1 time the entire summer, then put it away with the hopes of riding it the following summer. Well, that didn’t happen since last summer happened to be one of the most manic summers of my life.

This spring, here I am thinking I really want to ride when suddenly out of the blue we get an unexpected chance to ride in Santa Fe. Well, what was supposed to be an easy 6 mile ride ended up being a 31 mile ride complete with hills, valleys, country roads, highway frontage roads and amazing views filled with lots of prayer(Dear God, please help me get up this hill and not die) and deep breathing.

Know what I learned about myself? I learned that I hate to give up and I hate feeling like a failure. I also learned that my expectations of myself are ridiculously high.  Oh and one other thing…I pray and I pray a lot when I am faced with difficult situations. Especially situations where I question the stuff  I’m made of.

Thankfully God answered my prayers that day and I didn’t die. I made it up the hill. I was probably going slower than any other human being has gone up that hill, but you know what? It didn’t matter because I was back on a bicycle and learning to ride it in a way that I never learned on my little yellow banana seat bicycle.

it was one of those days where I was so thankful for the gift of life, the opportunity to do something challenging for myself and the ability to learn something new…even if this new adventure is just getting going at the age of 30 something.  Oh and the fact that I could come back to my kids and say, “your mom re-learned how to ride a bike complete with shifting gears, clipping in shoes, wearing spandex and everything!” I’m sure they (the kids) were beaming with pride on the inside.

Not a bad start to the spring, I’d say.

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Letting the Thoughts Out To Breathe

Last year might have been the biggest year of change for me. I think it was also the year where I started hearing this whisper in my head that told me to stop blogging/stop writing because I really had nothing of value to say. I gave in to the voice. This year is off to a different start, granted, I’m living out the changes that took place last year, but starting to feel like I might not have the lamest thoughts in the entire world.
So I think I’m ready to let some thoughts come out and breathe and see some blog light.

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Second Guessing- The Key to Freaking Out As A Parent

I second guess myself a lot. I’m usually a pretty confident person, but I wonder if  it’s just something most of us do. We make decisions and then wonder if it was the right decision to make.

My second guessing has hit an all time high as of late because both my kids are teens. I know that I’ve second guessed myself through all of the stages of their lives till now, but I’ve never experienced this type of second guessing in any previous stage of their lives.

I remember going through the final moments of giving birth to my daughter and being hit with the realization that nobody else could finish the work of delivering a baby except for me, her mother. Yes, there were all sorts of people to assist and comfort and coach, but ultimately, I had to do it alone.  Not very comforting, but very humbling.

A couple of weeks ago I had this realization that my daughter is almost 16 and I have to go through an entire new set of labor and delivery pains. She’s coming into her own. A young woman with her own wants and needs, goals and hopes. Almost 16 means that she wants a bit more freedom a bit more time away from her family a bit more of everything that freaks me right out. As a mom, it’s hard to go through this pain because it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. It’s illogical. All the things I’ve wanted for her are happening…I want her to use her talents fully. I want her to be self-confident, I want her to be independent, I want her to love her friends well. I want her to be involved in school activities, I want her to be in youth group. I want all of these things, but now that all of these things are fully taking off, it’s scary and I realize I’m suddenly just not ready for it and wanting to slow everything down just a bit.

I’m second guessing if I’ve prepared her well enough. I’m second guessing if I’ve taught her all that she needs to know. All sorts of questions crowd my head space when it comes to what we’ve taught her about faith, friendships, family, caring for people, integrity, the world. Have I done enough? Have I done too much?

I watch moms with new babies and feel such overwhelming and heart-wrenching love for that relationship. I had no idea how I was going to fall in love with this girl. I had no idea that the sleepless nights, tantrum filled days, sickness, fatigue all of that would pass in what seems like a blink of an eye. I know it wasn’t a blink of an eye because I lived each moment of it, but I still feel like life moved in fast forward bringing us to this place and time.

It’s been a hard couple of weeks, but the best thing has been the conversations we’ve been able to have. As hard as it’s been, we’ve talked about the difficult moments and the hurt feelings. That’s actually something we’ve always done. Explain and process our feelings without attacking but allowing for real feelings. There’s this strange safety in knowing I love my kids so deeply and that’s why the feelings are so real and so strong.  Now that’s the one thing about  parenting that I haven’t second guessed so far.

A mom and her girl

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Too Selfish to Fast?

I got to write a little devotional over here. Thought I’d share it with you over here as well…

I’m a preacher’s kid, so growing up in the Indian church we had all sorts of rules to follow. On Sunday mornings, we had a whole different set of rules.  Some of them included not watching TV or reading the newspaper before church, learning a memory verse, or always wearing our Sunday “best.” One of the biggest rules was that we couldn’t eat on Sunday mornings before church. I knew we were supposed to be “fasting” but I was never really sure why we were fasting. As a kid all I really knew was that I was hungry and wanted to sneak a little snack, even if it was just a piece of bread when nobody was looking. My brothers and I would literally count down the hours, minutes and seconds until church ended and we could have lunch. And of course, Sundays were always the best meals! We always had guests at our house after church so our mom would make all of our favorite Indian dishes.

Somehow, I guess I knew that fasting was important to my parents, therefore it should’ve been important to me. But I didn’t get it. My parents never explained the purpose of fasting to me, perhaps thinking I was too young to understand or care.

But that lack of understanding about fasting followed me for years. As a young adult I still struggled with knowing what to do on Sunday mornings. Was it wrong to eat breakfast? Was it wrong to not fast? Why did not eating breakfast and making a mad rush to the buffet line at lunch make me somehow feel that I was missing the point?

It’s funny that sometimes what we learn as children become the things that we believe should be the way we live the rest of our lives. We sometimes don’t even know why we do certain things, but since it’s familiar, we carry on the pattern. Do we do things simply because our parents told us to do them as kids? Do we know what the scriptural basis is for things we practice, preach and pray?

The topic of fasting left quite an impression on my young mind, so as an adult I’ve looked into it on my own and Isaiah 58 jumps out at me:

5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for people to humble themselves?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the LORD?
6 “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?

Can you imagine? Our fasting is meant to loosen the chains of injustice, untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?

I never would have known that had I not opened up the scripture and read it for myself. My act of not eating is actually a battle against oppression. It says specifically what happens when I fast…it’s not meant to make me look holy and perfect before God. It’s meant to bring life, hope and relief to those around me. When I am hungry I will see the hunger in the eyes of my brothers and sisters around me. When I am thirsty, my eyes will be open to the thirsty around me who need so desperately to hear about Jesus through my love for them.

Why is that so hard for us as Christians to understand? There are people all around us every day who need a little relief, but sometimes we’re so caught up in self-motivated fasting.  I’m not saying we shouldn’t pray for good things in our lives, but too often we are fasting and praying for a winning game, a good grade, the perfect spouse, a bigger house, a better job, a better location, better looks. We often compare ourselves to those around us and feel dissatisfied with the blessings we have which lead us on a path to pray for more.  This, my friends, is the type of fasting that God despises. The kind of fasting where we are left wondering why God isn’t hearing our prayer, but we forget that in His word, he’s told us in
Isaiah 58:9b-10,

 “If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday”

Its kind of hard to believe isn’t it? That God would be so harsh in addressing us about our role in taking care of the poor? We sometimes doubt that He meant that for us specifically. I mean really…all we need is some direction in life and some answers to prayer. So if that were all we need, why wouldn’t we follow his word? Verses 8 and 9a say:

“Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
   and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness[a] will go before you,
   and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
   you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.”

I want that! I want that for myself, for my family, for my friends and for you! It’s sometimes a hard concept for us as a new generation of Christians in a multi-cultural world to understand that the mandate still remains for us to reach out to the lost and the hurting…to put someone else’s need above our wants for bigger, better and bolder…to be the answer to the prayer of a child in need or a neighbor in want. The truth of scripture has not changed.

10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

It’s interesting to me how God uses the “If…Then” statement to explain His intense meaning. IF you do this, THEN you will see the light. Amazing isn’t it? Our fasting, isn’t meant to make me look good or holy to my parents or my church. It is meant to battle the wickedness and oppression that exists to debilitate and strip my fellow man of their humanity. If I don’t step into the battle, then it becomes my sin that gets in the way of another person’s freedom.

My prayer is that God will allow us to see that we can do something on a daily basis to reach beyond ourselves and to help those in need. We are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus. We are called to take a stand. Fasting is powerful and necessary. It’s not just a chance to go hungry, but to do some serious battle for the kingdom.

The question is: Will you step forward and allow Him to use you? Will you fast in a way that pleases the Lord? Will you be the one who is called Repairer of Broken Walls and Restorer of Streets with Dwellings? (Isaiah 58: 12)

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What I Want

I wanted to get up and go for a run. (it was 12 degrees and so I didn’t)

I wanted to sleep in till 8.(my body clock went off at 5:30 and I couldn’t fall back asleep, so I laid in bed and read with my little kindle light. felt like I was a kid reading my book at night with my flashlight again.)

I wanted to get up and make breakfast for the kids. (I was too late and Alex came down and made pancakes for his friend and him.)

I wanted to juice. (Alex and his friend made my juice for me, so I made them bacon. :)

I wanted to get the house clean.(I didn’t have to because Alex vacuumed and Priya swept the floors.)

I wanted to have a peaceful morning.(The dog decided to run a stampede through the house, Priya’s practicing piano and Dirty Jobs is playing on TV)

I wanted to have a chill weekend.(This is as chill as it gets for me. One sleepover last night, 4 teens coming over to hang out later.)

What I want often doesn’t happen, but what does happen is so much better.

 

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